| Ok, it's been awhile. I figure it is definitely time for an update. Moreover, I'll be writing in here more often due to the events that have taken place in the last few months. I think I should start this off by saying, that death is something that is unfortunately too familiar to me. In August, my daughter's father passed away. He was 20 years old, and without a doubt he was the love of my life. If you go back and read old blogs that I wrote, you would see just how much of an influence he had in my life. I was too distraught and devastated to write about it for awhile, but it's been 3 months and 1 day since he died, and I have healed to some small degree. Every year someone dies in my life, it's tragic. First Josh, my brother, then Alexis, my niece, and now Tommy. I have the worst of luck. But somehow I find it all connected. If josh didn't die, I wouldn't have been able to cope with Tommy's death. Almost like it had to happen so that I could cope. I was with Tommy for 3 years, and we had our daughter, Brooke. We had a turbulent relationship, but my love for him never diminished. He was still the one I ran to when life got tough. He called me repeatedly the night before he died, I'll never forget the way he sounded. When I woke up the next morning I had this feeling, my stomach was in a knot, and I just knew something was wrong. I went into my bathroom and looked into the mirror, and immediately I wanted to call him because this feeling of dread came over me ( I kid you not, nor am I embellishing) I just knew something wrong. I went to the phone because I was going to call him, and before I picked up the phone, it rang. It was his father, and as soon as he said my name I knew tommy was gone. Something inside me told me all morning. Almost like the other part of me was gone. It was that, and the fact that I have been through a handful of these phone calls. I hate using the phone for this reason. Too many times I've picked up the phone only to hear ,"I'm sorry Melinda, but ____ died", or something like it, in a hesitant voice. Now the last three months have been this up and down pattern of emotions. One day I'm angry at him, one day I miss him, one day I'm depressed, and one day I'm fine. The worst part is, the older my daughter gets the more she looks like him. She has his eye color, his nose, his round head. And this is something that stays forever. |
